We experience a lot of anger, resentment, and hurt when our pride or inflated self-esteem is challenged, when we impose excessive demands on others, or when others fail to meet our expectations. We struggle to accept and come to terms with the inevitable, especially when it’s something we don’t want. In these situations, the only solution is a long, introspective journey where we analyze how we might be trying to force others into the unreasonable expectations and whims that they simply cannot fulfill. However, there are times when those close to us truly behave destructively. Such behavior can erode our self-confidence, disrupt our peace of mind, and hinder our ability to achieve sobriety and emotional balance. In these cases, we must stand up for our rights. If we remain silent, both we and they lose. Therefore, it’s crucial to let them know what’s going on inside us. A common mistake is to play the "guess how I feel" or "guess what I’m thinking" game. This game is based on the belief that "If this person loves me (respects me, is my friend, is understanding), they should know how I feel." We wait, hoping they’ll figure it out on their own, and then things will change. But we can’t transmit our thoughts telepathically. Still, we often try to force others to understand us by encoding our thoughts and feelings in certain ways:
We drop hints;
We adopt a pained expression or give a hurt look;
We silently resist everything the other person does.
But these methods usually don’t work. Worse, they throw off balance those who try to communicate with us because while they’re trying to understand us, we’re busy making them solve riddles like "Guess how I feel and why." When we start making demands, it almost never works either because it nearly always provokes resistance. Do you like being ordered around? Most people don’t. So, we need to be straightforward and open, but not dictatorial or aggressive. We must stop setting up riddles about our feelings and cease broadcasting thoughts to people who can’t guess what’s going on in our heads. Our goal is to be assertive, to speak firmly but calmly when the time is right. Before taking this step, we must determine if the situation is even changeable. Perhaps the other person simply can’t do anything to change things. Fighting over something unchangeable is foolish.
Preparing for Confrontation
If confrontation is necessary or if we want to find a way out of a bad situation, there’s a method that allows us to hope for a positive result. This means expressing our opinion while maintaining our self-respect and not degrading or destroying the other person. Good confrontation is a well-thought-out, firm, and respectful expression of our opinion to someone we care about, without letting anger and helplessness take over. During a confrontation, we explain how certain behavior is harmful to them, us, or others. We also clarify how it can be changed and, when possible, commit to doing whatever we can to make the change easier. To do this, gather facts and information to be ready to present specific examples of the behavior you’re discussing. Also, have a concrete solution to propose. Make sure your proposed solution is positive, reasonable, and achievable. Remember, a confrontation should be firm yet respectful, loving, and caring. It shouldn’t be a fight. It may require all our skills to think rationally to avoid a fight since we can always expect resistance and denial. After all, we’re dealing with people who can make mistakes.
The Mindset for Confrontation: Reinforcing Yourself During the Confrontation
During a confrontation, it’s recommended to keep reminding yourself:
"I can create a plan to resolve this situation."
"If I start to worry (feel afraid, get annoyed), I know what to do."
"It’s time to relax. Take a few deep breaths. Stay calm."
"This is a difficult situation, but I can handle it."
Confrontation Skills
Choose the right time for a confrontation—when the other person isn’t focused on something else or involved in another activity. Also, if it’s not a group situation, pick a place where you won’t be disturbed, and you can have a private conversation.
Don’t wait for the perfect moment—it might never come.
Be serious. If you want to address the issue, let your face show it. We can’t expect the other person to take us seriously if we don’t act serious.
Be serious and firm, but also respectful, loving, and caring.
Use specific examples.
Use statements like "I feel…," "I would like…," instead of "You have to…"
Try to stay calm. Don’t let yourself get thrown off balance if the person becomes defensive and tries to blame you or divert your attention. Don’t be defensive.
Don’t demand 100% agreement on every request. Remember that the other person resists not out of a desire to hurt you but to preserve some of their self-respect. The fact that they do so by blaming you shouldn’t throw you off balance, and you shouldn’t give in to the temptation to blame them, even if their actions provoke resistance in you.
Offer clear, reasonable, positive, and achievable solutions.
Show your commitment to doing what you can to resolve the problem. Show that you greatly value the other person’s agreement to cooperate.
Avoiding Fights
We must avoid fights because it’s easy for us to lose balance and slip back into hostility, negativity, denial, and let our souls be gnawed by anger at the world and self-pity. Fighting achieves nothing unless we believe that accusations, insults, shouting, and arrogance make our lives easier. A fight arises from resentment and causes resentment. We become so focused on being right and proving the other wrong that we say and do things we later regret. There are many ways to fight. Yelling and shouting is the most recognized method. Silence is another. We press our lips together, clench our teeth, radiate hostility, and slam doors. This is another way we fight. A silent fight can drag on and on. Can we avoid fighting? Probably not. The most important thing we can do to avoid unnecessary fights is to realize that we shouldn’t fight when we’re particularly tense. The worst things happen when we’re tired, when the situation is very tense, when we’re stressed.
Reinforcing Yourself During a Fight
When we notice that we’re losing control, it’s recommended to remind ourselves:
"Rage won’t fix the situation."
"Anger is justified, but let it simmer down a bit."
"My anger is a signal. It’s time to calm down a bit."
"Just because I got angry doesn’t mean I have to stay angry. I can calm down."
After the Fight
When the fight is over, and you’ve calmed down, apologize. Maybe you didn’t start the fight, but perhaps you did or said something that allowed it to continue? Carefully review your behavior and apologize where necessary.
Calming Others
We’re surrounded by pressure and tension. Those closely connected to us may be building up tension, becoming ticking time bombs, ready to explode at the slightest provocation. If this isn’t a chronic, ongoing condition, it might be worth walking on tiptoes for a while until the crisis passes. Too often, when we see aggression, we react to it. A confrontation begins, and then a fight starts. What we can do is refuse to fight fire with fire. When the other person is tense, we can show them that we are calm. Our forehead should be relaxed, our eyes not narrowed, teeth not gritted, lips not tightly pressed. Our hands should be relaxed, not clenched into fists, our movements slow and unhurried, our voice gentle. Such an expression is non-threatening and should not provoke an outburst. It would also help to listen openly and sympathetically, even if what they say is unpleasant or unacceptable to us. Sometimes we all need to let off steam. There’s no need to nitpick every word, even if you think you’re right and not them. One of the most important things we can do to calm others is to help them preserve their self-respect. No one wants to look foolish, so people often stubbornly cling to a thought they know is foolish but will never admit they were wrong. We can make the situation easier by not rubbing their face in their own mistakes, seeking a compromise, and resisting the urge to say, "I told you so…"
A No-Win Situation
Sometimes, after a confrontation, nothing changes. That’s real life: some people just don’t want to change. They might promise, but they have no real desire to change, and they don’t care whether you like it or not. If their annoying behavior is minor, like never hanging up clothes or putting empty milk cartons back in the fridge, you can simply lower your expectations. But if it’s something serious, like alcohol abuse or physical aggression, then you must decide whether you’re better off with or without this person. If the problem is significant, if it affects your health, safety, or sobriety, and if after confrontation the other person has no intention of changing, you may not be able to continue the relationship, even if it’s a family relationship. Such a situation, though frightening and painful, is real. The decision shouldn’t be made in the heat of the moment. However, even the greatest efforts can’t fix every relationship.